WWN Guide To Conversations At The Urinal


IF women want equality, they’re going to have to work as hard as men. We’re not talking about in the actual workplace; we’re talking about in life, where men have to face hardships that would make a woman puke in fear. Top of that list? The chatty man beside you at the urinal.

Until ladies decide to forgo bathroom stalls in favour of sitting at one long trough to piss in, they won’t have to worry about the dreadful awkwardness of some guy you don’t know asking you if you were watching Celtic last night while you both hold your mid-stream penises. Need help getting through it? Read on:

1) Do not make eye contact

If you just chat to the man, it might not seem that weird. You could both be watching a sunrise while you chat about how Mayo haven’t a hope on in the All Ireland final. It’s when you catch a glimpse of each other, that you realise that you’re both expelling liquid waste from your body while making small talk for no good reason.

2) Shit your pants

Just as loud as you can. It will stop the conversation in an instant, and also cut down on the chances of getting caught in a proper conversation with the guy, and having to pretend to be interested while he washes his hands and shouts over the noise of a Dyson Airblade.

3) Kill him

Having to chat to people at urinals is how Jeffrey Dahlmer started out, and killing worked out OK for him. Granted, he was caught, tried, sentenced and executed, but at least he doesn’t have to pee beside some lad talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers gig in Slane a few years back.