9 Things We Learned From The Census Results

THE results are in, and just like your recent STI screening, there were a few surprises. What information has been gleaned from Census 2016? WWN is here to fill you in.

1) Ireland is absolutely rammed with Irish people. While the census hasn’t shed any light on the reasoning behind Ireland being full of Irish people, there has been an increase. Unlike countries such as England, Canada and Mexico, the majority of Ireland’s population is intriguingly made up of Irish people.

2) Loads of people are still pretending to be Catholic. The census did include a ‘and why are you putting down ‘Catholic’ on the form even though you haven’t gone to mass in 4 years outside of weddings, funerals and Christmas?’ question, but many people chose to leave that blank.

3) Fidelma and Brian Hickey, of 21 Drumoland Close, Waterford has been very busy these last 5 years. According to census data seen by WWN, the couple have been riding like rabbits. Going from a total of no children in 2011 to an increase of 6 in the proceeding 5 years.

4) There are 200,000 vacant properties in Ireland, which has led to serious criticism of Ireland’s rave scene, which has yet to fully take advantage of this in any serious way by having massive pill heavy gaff parties.

5) The number of new Seáns in Ireland has declined for the first since 234BC.

6) 29% of the houses in Leitrim are not lived in, meaning the census results represent the first time Leitrim has been in the news since the last census in 2011.

7) 3,289 census form collectors were killed while carrying out their duties. A record for an Irish census.

8) Ireland’s population is at its highest since 1871, and the government has confirmed this is due to an increase in the availability of drugs in Ireland, with hallucinogenics becoming a real favourite with Irish people.

9) For every 978 men in Ireland there are 1000 women, leaving women hopelessly short of suitable romantic options. As a result a ‘Foreign Rides Fund’ has been set up by the women of Ireland which seeks to pay for good looking foreigners, who are interested in riding, to relocate to Ireland