WWN Motoring: 5 Ways To Drive Your Yoke Into The Ground


THERE are those of us who can purchase a car, look after it, and sell it on in a few years to someone else who will be able to get another few years use out of it. Alternatively, you could buy a car and drive it straight into the ground. Here’s five tips to help ensure you’re the last person to drive your car.

1) Speed bumps are not necessarily there to slow you down

Speed bumps/ramps are exceptionally effective tools aimed at combating excessive speed in built up areas… in theory. In actual fact, you can hit them at any speed you want. This will have a massively negative effect on your shocks and suspension, and you only really need to break all four to make sure your car is “economically un-viable for repair” come NCT time.

2) Oil or water: never both

Your car really only needs fuel to drive, if driving it into a heap is what you have in mind. Oil? Water? Look, by all means, check them once every few years, if the temperature gauge or the oil light comes on. Top up the water, or top up the oil. Don’t bother topping up both. That’s too much effort. Speaking of which…

3) Warning lights are more like suggestions

A light comes on in your dashboard display – this is perfectly normal. Do not investigate what might be causing it to happen. Don’t even open the manual to see what the light means. Car’s driving, isn’t it? Radio works, doesn’t it? You’re grand for another few hundred kilometres or so.

4) Sure, your mother and I will buy you a new car

Why would you look after this one? It’s not like you bought it. You work away, roar around in second gear all day. We have a magic money tree out the back.

5) Ungrateful little shit

I didn’t get a car until I was nearly 30, and I bought it with my own money, and I appreciated it, you little scut.