America Fucked


AMERICA has been branded ‘completely fucked’ today after news that Hillary Clinton has effectively clinched the Democratic nomination for US president.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, American citizens are now being asked to vote for one of two incredibly wealthy people, who have vested interests in a number of questionable corporations, questionable morals and possibly a series of undisclosed tax affairs too complex and expensive to investigate.

“I suppose I’ll vote for whichever one appears to be the least corrupt after the campaign,” said one New Yorker today, who admitted he couldn’t care less. “Trump is bat-shit crazy, but Hillary is the spawn of Satan and cannot be trusted. You might as well be choosing between Saddam Hussein and Gaddafi”.

“320 million people in this country, and this is the best we can do? We are truly fucked,” conceded another prospective voter.

Following the news of Clinton’s nomination, hundreds of thousands of American citizens have begun applying for visas in the hope of emigrating from the North American country.

“I’m applying for a Russian visa,” said one man we met. “Putin seems pretty grounded in comparison to these two megalomaniacs. Plus, Russia is way bigger than America too, and the people aren’t so unhealthy. America was great while it lasted”.

The 2016 United States presidential election scheduled for Tuesday, November 8, 2016, will be the 58th quadrennial U.S. presidential election, and probably its last.