7 Stages Of Good Friday

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IT’S Good Friday at last, right? One of only two days when the sale of alcohol is not allowed in Ireland. But that shouldn’t trouble you, should it? You’re not one of these lads who has a ‘drinking problem’. What are you, American? Cop on. Today is a doddle. Here’s the stages you’ll probably go through…

1pm: Just a regular day. The thoughts of alcohol are far from your mind. This is handy. What are people giving out about.

3pm: The only thing annoying you right now is the fact that you’re still at work. Don’t most places close at 3pm so that you can go to mass? Luckily, you brought your own crucifix with you. Have a cheeky veneration there, under your desk.

5pm: The lads are up for a few pints after… oh. No, you can’t, can you? Everywhere’s shut. Ah well, head home and have a nice relaxing night.

7 pm: Surely there’s some drink in the house, somewhere. Try the press under the telly. Surely there’s a bottle of wine lying around since Christmas? A bottle of cooking sherry? Right now that tube of hand sanitizer is looking pretty tasty.

9pm: You’ve always said that you have no problem with alcohol; you can take it or leave it. Boy, do you feel foolish now. You would murder a pint right now. You would murder a pint, roll it in some old towels, drive it up the mountains under the cover of night and bury it. The cops would come round your house later looking for the missing pint and you’d be like ‘pint? I haven’t seen a pint around here in weeks’.

10pm: You realise that when you’re 100% sober, the Late Late Show is genuinely terrible.

12pm: Technically, it’s not Good Friday anymore. Surely the pubs are re-opened? If you get a taxi into town, can you get into Coppers?

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