“It’s Not A Fucking Oscar, But It’ll Do” – Leonardo DiCaprio

CLUTCHING his Golden Globe award loosely in his hand, winner of the best actor award Leonardo DiCaprio cut a less than satisfied figure as he addressed the Golden Globes awards upon accepting his award for best actor.

“I mean, yeah, it’s nice to win, this is like my third Globe, but it’s not a fucking Oscar is it?” DiCaprio mused while accepting his third Golden Globe award, before asking a nearby Will Smith if he wanted to take the award home, “I mean, I couldn’t give a shit about these things”.

“Five fucking times, five times I’ve been nominated for an Oscar, and half of them weren’t even my best fucking films, I mean, did you see me in Revolutionary Road for Christ sake?” the actor asked the media sincerely shortly after exiting the stage. Many members of the press were forced into nodding as a sign that, yes, they had seen that particular performance.

DiCaprio won his third Golden Globe for his role in the gruelling movie The Revenant, and was understandably perplexed by the Academy’s reluctance to award him a little gold statuette.

“I nearly got killed by a bear doing this one, is that what you pricks want? So if I don’t win this time out, I think I’m going to have to play a troubled and frustrated actor who routinely visits the homes of Oscar voters to threaten them with physical violence,” the suave actor screamed as spittle poured from the edges of his mouth.

The talented actor and producer then spent the next hour listing off his incredible performances, acting out many memorable scenes from each of them, later demanding that Oscar voters apologise to him ‘or else’.