WWN Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

 You’ve got a long list of serious character and personality issues, but yeah, your New Year’s resolution should be to take up Tai Chi. That’ll sort your life right out.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

 Once you discovered that you could use your Nutri-bullet to make chocolate milkshakes, then that was about it for your diet.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

 We know this is going to be difficult after two straight weeks, but no, you cannot have a beer at your desk with your lunch.

cancer

June 21 – July 22

 There’s a difference between helping yourself to a cheeky pistachio nut as you do your shopping in Lidl, and just standing at the fruit and veg section stuffing your face while throwing the empty shells back into the pot. Learn this difference!

leo

July 23 – August 22

 Never let it be said that these headphones weren’t worth three days wages. Today FM never sounded so good!

virgo

August 23 – September 22

 UH OH. Someone got drunk and went online, didn’t they? Just say someone hacked your Twitter, and pray that everyone believes you.

libra

September 23 – October 22

 A visit to your hometown reveals that nobody really remembers who you are, despite your belief that you had a long and meaningful impact on the lives of everyone you ever met.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

 Remember to see The Hateful 8 as the director intended; via a downloaded copy on your tablet while standing on the bus, over the course of five or six journeys.

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

 Do not say “Who’s your daddy?” to the person you’re having sex with. You may open up a can of worms that will really make the next five minutes as awkward as hell.

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

 Getting those Scooter lyrics tattooed on your chest may not have been the wisest thing you’ve ever done.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

 Wow, Dry January is off to a pretty poor fucking start, isn’t it?

pisces

February 19 – March 20

 We’ve had a look at the positioning of the stars and planets, combined with the date of your birth, and we’ve ascertained that you’re doing great, you rockstar. Keep it up, champ!

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