It’s Broadband Or No Flooding, You Can’t Have Both, Culchies Told


THE Government has been unequivocal in their response to criticism of their handling of recent flooding, with ministers revealing culchies can’t just have everything they bloody well want.

With extensive flooding in Kilkenny, Cork, Wexford and other places that aren’t Dublin, the Government confirmed that an ultimatum has been delivered to the Nation’s culchies.

“It’s fairly straightforward really, it’s either we stop the flooding, but you get no broadband, or keep the flooding, but on the plus side ye lot have some broadband,” Taoiseach Enda Kenny revealed while visiting the scene of a puddle outside Leinster House this morning.

In a separate interview Minister for Environment Alan Kelly laid out the reality of the situation.

“There’s no money in the culchie budget, which is distinct from the Dublin budget, so really just ask yourselves, do ya want broadband or not? Cus access to funny online videos doesn’t fall out of the sky ya know,” the Minister explained.

The choice between putting money towards a cohesive flooding strategy that comes into effect not just after the event may be tempting for flood hit areas, however choosing such an option at the expense of quick and easy access to the internet and online pornography has divided the rural community.

“Jesus, I don’t know now. I mean I have the broadband, and it’s shite altogether, but every so often I can get a glimpse of something… and the thought of giving that up, I think I’d rather convert the downstairs into an indoor swimming pool,” shared flood victim and broadband lover Fergus Varley.

The Government has asked that culchies vote on the matter sometime later this week.