WWN Guide To Having A Birthday In Mid-December

EVERY year it’s the same thing; your birthday falls in the middle of December and you get totally screwed out of presents or a party like it’s your fault your parents HAD to conceive you in the middle of March. Could your dad not have waited a month or two to give your mum the fattening pin? Thanks for nothing, assholes.

So you’re stuck with a birthday during the month of Christmas, and everyone is going to try to tell you that one big present for Christmas is the same as getting two separate gifts for both occasions. You’ve put up with this shit for long enough; here’s some things you can do to make sure you get the same as those smug pricks with birthdays in June.

Just say NO.

No is a wonderful word, and can be used to assure people that what they are suggesting is not ok with you. Is one present enough for your birthday, and Christmas. NO. They’re all doing the 12 pubs tonight, surely that counts as your birthday night out? NO. No, it fucking doesn’t. You do not agree to this, and the only way to let people know is to just say no. They aren’t mind readers! They might think you’re totally ok with getting 50% less party than you’re entitled to – let them know this is not the case!

Get rid of all your friends.

Just cut out the problem at the root. These are people whose birthdays you celebrate separately to any other occasion, but they think they can lump you in with Christmas? And you still hang out with these people? Nope. Not on our watch. The minute someone suggests that a Christmas cake and a birthday cake are the same thing, get rid of them. Delete their number, unfriend them on Facebook. If this leaves you all alone, you’re better off for it.

Fake your details.

So you’ve moved to a new town, started a new job. Nobody knows you, so they don’t know when your birthday is either. Just tell them it’s the 1st of August. Problem solved. It’s not like you’re lying to the government. Nobody is going to check, and unless you leave your birth certificate lying around you’ll never get caught out. Change your birthday on Facebook and start enjoying the same double-party, double-gift privileges as everybody else.