WWN Guide To Bluffing At Garda Checkpoints


GARDA checkpoints can appear at anyplace and anytime, springing an unwelcome surprise on motorists who are simply trying to get from A to B without paying for anything other than petrol.

These checkpoints are normally manned by gardaí from the traffic corps, generally considered to be the worst and most petty guards in the whole country due to their insistence that all cars have up-to-date tax and insurance credentials, as well as being in a roadworthy state.

These lads have a habit of forcing you to obey the laws of the road, so if you’re coasting around with no tax (and no intention of taxing it), you’re going to need to remember the following things;

Indicators at the ready. If you’ve got no tax, insurance or NCT, then you should never take your hand off the indicator while you are driving. You must be prepared at all times to hit left or right, should you round a corner and see the traffic fuzz lads pulling up ahead! Indicate, and turn into a side street or somebody’s driveway. Stay an appropriate amount of time, then head back the way you came.

Assure the guard that the car has been off the road. “Yes, ok guard, we agree; the car is on the road NOW, but this is a once off. It’s been in the driveway gathering dust for well over a year”… play it smooth, if the cops notice that your tax disc is 12 months out of date. Don’t get overly excited. Just keep it natural. “We’re just taking it to a garage to get new brakes on it because we’re thinking of selling it because it’s just been sitting there in the driveway doing nothing”… you got this one, hotshot.

Rummage. Rummage, damn you, rummage! When Sergeant Fuckhead is shining his torch in at you, asking where your insurance is, then it is time to start rummaging around like a teenager playing with his balls. Look through the glove box, look through the bit at the side of the door. Rummage through your phone, assuring the guard that you have “a text from the insurance crowd” or “an email from the tax office”. Oh no! You must have deleted it! Or your Ma must have cleaned out your car and threw it out. Either way, can we just go now?

“I’ll get on that straight away”. Keep it simple. If the cop points out that you have a light missing or bald tires or an arm hanging out the boot of the car, just say, “I’ll get on that straight away”. This is not the time to be smart, or clever. You’re going to be lucky if this fresh recruit let’s you drive away with the car. “Yes guard I’ll get on that straight away”. You can tell your pals that you “told that pig where to stick it”, but for now, kiss some arse.

Plough on. Just hit the pedal. You only live once! Sink the foot and scream away from the checkpoint with your blood thumping through your heart and blue lights screaming behind you. Your wife and kids will be giving you an earful at the time, but when did you ever listen to passenger seat advice anyways?