Government Launch ‘Slate Sinn Féin Before The Election’ Campaign

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TAOISEACH Enda Kenny today took several minutes out of his summer break to announce a coalition based campaign to ‘slate Sinn Féin before the election’, coincidentally coinciding with recent ‘revelations’ that the IRA were still freely operating on the island.

Speaking from his county Mayo home, Mr. Kenny admitted the new campaign was designed to slowly leak calculated smears against Mr. Adams’ party, and past, in a bid to “take them down a peg or two”, as they currently sit on par in the polls with Fine Gael.

“A little IRA mention here, a little connection to a dot or two there; that’s how we roll baby,” a relaxed Mr. Kenny told WWN. “If Gerry Adams has anything to say, let him bring it up in the Dáil tomorrow… oh wait, we’re on holidays haha. My bad”.

Meanwhile, Ulster Unionist Party leader Mike Nesbitt has recommended his party pull out of the Northern Ireland Executive following a police assessment that the Provisional IRA was involved in the murder of Kevin McGuigan, putting more pressure on the Sinn Féin leadership.

“A little birdie must have squawked,” the Taoiseach responded to the news, while winking and making fighting gestures to press with his fists. “Such terrible timing too as I’ll be calling an election the second we resume Dáil proceedings.

“Awful shame now, awful.”

Both Fine Gael and The Labour party expect a significant drop in Sinn Féin’s position in the public polls just in time for election day, with one source stating: “wait until you see what else they have in their chamber; it’s going to be huge.”

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