North Korea Sees 99.97% Turnout At Elections, 0.03% Executed


LOCAL elections in North Korea on Sunday saw a 99.97% voter participation rate, state media reported, with only the remaining 0.03%, who didn’t vote, executed the following day.

Almost the entire country made it to the polls, including the elderly and ill, who cast their votes through ‘mobile ballot boxes’ for uncontested candidates carefully selected by the ruling party. The rest who failed to turn up, however, were brutally rounded up and shot in what commentators claim was the biggest mass killing the world has witnessed since the previous mass killing in North Korea.

“The fact that so many people turned out to vote is absolutely incredible,” said Chinese international and political analyst Chow Lee, “but on the other hand, the sudden annihilation of eight thousand men, women and children tarnished it a bit”.

Excuses given to North Korean officials varied, including: ‘I didn’t know it was on’, to ‘what’s the point in voting, sure the fat fuck is gonna win anyway’, a source inside the hermit kingdom reported.

The state owned news agency publicly condemned those who failed to vote, before insisting they all wait outside their homes to be collected by the local military police.

Mass graves were then dug, before the 0.03% were executed at lunch time today.

“Hopefully next election we will have a 100% turn out,” a Central News Agency reader signed off, following the deaths.