The Shocking Dalai Lama Backstage Demand List For Glastonbury


Celebrities are people, too. Like you and me, they have dietary restrictions and may have special requests when attending festivals. Most rockers, rappers and pop divas have a standard list of demands in their backstage riders. However, for this year’s Glastonbury, the recently invited Dalai Lama has surpassed them all with this outrageous list of demands.

1) A Dozen Packets Of Monster Munch That Have The Old Cyclops Story On The Back

He may like to be known as a humble monk, but the Dalai Lama is anything but down to earth when it comes to his tour demands! Panicked Glastonbury organizers were close to cancelling his visit this week after he requested 12 packets of Monster Munch for his dressing room. Simple enough, you may say, but not when the ones he wanted were discontinued. It appears the Tibetan fell in love with the spicy corn snack over twenty years ago on a visit to the UK and loved to read the cyclops story on the back of every packet. Luckily organisers were able to convince the manufacturer to re-produce the old style packet, just for his holiness’ visit.

2) A Life-size Cardboard Cutout Of David Carridine 

David Carridine was an American actor and martial artist, best known for his leading role as a Shaolin peace-loving monk, Kwai Chang Caine, in the 1970s television series Kung Fu. The Dalai Lama was said to be so distraught by the actor’s sudden death in 2009 that he ordered 2,000 monks from his order to self-immolate as a mark of respect. Since then, he has insisted that a life-size cutout of Carridine must be in his dressing room at all times so he can pray to it.

3) A Reenactment Of The Dead Parrot Sketch From Monty Python

In order to wind down after gigs, the Dalai Lama’s favourite thing to do is watch old Monty sketches being reenacted. Glastonbury organizers said this was probably the hardest demand on the rider due to the busy schedules of actors John Cleese and Michael Palin. Fortunately, both men agreed to perform their classic sketch directly after the Dalai Lama comes off stage. It is expected the parrot will be replaced with a goldfish as he is actually allergic to feathers.

4) A Sega Megadrive With The Game Flashback

The Dalai Lama currently holds the quickest game completion time for the hit 1992 game, Flashback, for the Sega Megadrive. At the moment there are several contendenders trying to beat his 5hr 12 minute time, so it is imperative that his holiness continues trying to beat his own personal best. Sources close to him say that he spends at least 25 hours a week playing the game from start to finish. This is not unusual for a computer game record holder.

5) Warwick Davis

Being the head of the Buddhist faith can drain a person; constantly being nice, listening to peoples problems, meditating all day long. So how does the Dalai Lama vent all that built up negative energy? Dwarf shaming. This age-old tradition was first practiced in the Ming dynasty in China over 600 years ago and has proven itself to be an essential release for Buddhist priests. The method is quite simple, a naked dwarf is brought into a room and tied to a chair while the priest shouts obscenities at him/her for several hours. During this time the dwarf is given hallucinogens to amplify the tirade of abuse. The Dalai Lama insisted on Warwick Davis after watching an Idiot Abroad and is said to be very excited about this weekend’s post-festival dwarf roasting.