Government To Spend Most Of Nation’s Money Buying Your Vote

THE Nation is said to be rejoicing at the news that the Government will spend any surplus the State has not on essential public service, but on aggressively pursuing your vote through the complex means of bribing.

With Minister for Finance Michael Noonan using the Government’s Spring Economic Statement to explain how he intends on bribing the electorate with a giveaway budget that would contain the promises of further tax cuts down the line, the public have politely asked the minister to ‘buy them a drink first’.

The Government’s now intense courtship of voters comes after several years of equally intense austerity which has seen front line services decimated and the most vulnerable in society suffer.

Many critics of the Government have pointed out this Spring Economic Statement is the first of its kind and is a blatant attempt to dangle tax cuts in front of voters in a clear attempt to bribe them for their vote.

“Minister Noonan is using the €2 billion surplus in much the same way as a stripper in a seedy nightclub uses its body. Sure, he could cover himself up and put his body to good use by funding education and essential infrastructure, but instead he’s going to whip off his clothes and shove his tax cut tits in your face, hoping you don’t notice he really shouldn’t be doing this,” explained economic expert and strip club regular Martin Harrison.

Early indications, however, suggest the savvy public have seen through the Government’s cheap and frankly insulting ploy for votes in the next election.

“Sorry, can you just cut to the fucking chase, will you be cutting some of the taxes I pay,” John Murphy, self-appointed spokesman for the public screamed at the TV as Michael Noonan delivered his address.

As the minister details the proposed tax breaks for Murphy he leapt to his feet cheering “yay, money, money, money. I’m rich again!”