That Food That Was Good For You Is Now Bad For You, Say Scientists


food research

SOME of the world’s leading scientists have revealed that a food that was once thought to be good for you is now in fact detrimental to your health. This is the 4,567th such study warning the public of a certain food this year alone.

The humble banana once touted as being a greater source of energy than a barrel of steroids on steroids has now been designated one of the worst foods to eat regularly.

“Admittedly, last week we released a study saying that bananas were brilliant, but on closer inspection in this separate set of trials we realise that the banana is literally the worst thing ever,” confirmed leading research scientist Dr. Owen Jeffries.

While last week it was claimed that the average human born on the sixth Wednesday of any year ending in a two or a four could benefit greatly from eating three bananas a day provided Countdown was on Channel 4 at the same time, it has now been contradicted entirely by this new research.

“What our latest research shows is that, if eaten while wearing a V-neck jumper you’re in serious fucking trouble,” Dr. Jeffries explained, “we’re not saying it will kill you, but it will help you develop the cancer that will kill you”.

This latest news means the number of foods recommended for human consumption is down to a shockingly low number.

“Well, now that this news has taken the banana off the menu, you really only have porridge, water taken directly from a stream that runs off the Himalayas and rice,” explained lead Dietitian Amanda Barnes, “but in fairness a bit of rice porridge with a drop of water is lovely”.

Many tabloids have published stories around the new research, musing over the phallic nature of the humble banana, presuming this is where the fault lies.

“We can confirm the fruit itself, it phallic yes,” Dr. Jeffries confirmed to WWN, seemingly hiding something sinister from us.