Mayo Garda Finally Books That Guy Who Bullied Him In Primary School



A YOUNG Mayo cop is this morning waking up with the fresh scent of sweet justice in his lungs, after finally catching up with the lad who used to pick on him in primary school.

It is believed that the Garda, named locally as Kieran Kelly, will be rewarded with the Medal Of Righteous Pettiness While On Duty, one of the highest accolades an Irish guard can receive.

A 33-year-old Westport native, Kelly applied for An Garda Síochána straight after his Leaving Cert, and underwent a gruelling five minute waiting period while recruiting officers verified that his uncle was a guard before approving him. A cursory training course in Templemore followed, until Kelly was finally handed his high-vis jacket and stick and set out on a mission to bring justice to the west of Ireland, one TV licence dodger at a time. But under the brim of his peaked cap, a thirst for true justice boiled in the young cop, a thirst that could only be quenched once he brought down an old enemy.

“I knew I was doing good work, breaking up the odd fight outside a nightclub, telling lads to move along,” said Kelly, as he walked the mean streets of Mayo “But at the back of my mind, there was one man I knew I had to bring down… Sean O’Malley. He’s the reason I joined the Gardaí. Well, that and my Da told me it was a job for life with a pension and everything.

!O’Malley used to pick on me something rotten at school. He’d push me down in the playground… Not just on the grass, but on the tarmac as well! He also called me names. Smelly Kelly, that was it. All the time he’d just repeat, Smelly Kelly, Smelly Kelly… I can still hear it now. But as he found out yesterday…”

Garda Kelly paused, putting on a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses.

“Justice catches up with everyone”.

Now 34 and working as an accountant, O’Malley was apprehended last night at a routine checkpoint manned by Garda Kelly, who recognised his old foe immediately.

During an examination of O’Malley’s vehicle, Kelly found the tread depth on his passenger side rear tyre to be less than the required 1.6mm, and came down on his childhood tormentor with the fury of the fucking Gods.

“He didn’t even recognise me,” said Garda Kelly, while eating a Caramac.

“He said, ‘Everything alright Guard?’, all nice as pie. I told him to stay in his vehicle, before going over it with a fine comb. His tax, insurance, NCT, everything was in order… I thought he was slipping through my fingers, until I noticed that one of his tyres was a bit baldy. I said to myself, we’ve got the bastard!”

O’Malley was given an 80 euro fine on the spot, and has ten days to present himself at a Garda station of his choosing with a new tyre or face a court summons.

Throbbing with glory, Kelly returned to his station later that night to a hero’s welcome.