It’s The DWWNWCRU (Daily WWN World Cup Round Up)

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Stick with WWN for all you need to know about this year’s World Cup.

The BBC received thousands of complaints last night for their coverage of the highly anticipated England/Italy game. Their analysis took a sinister turn when Alan Shearer pinned Thierry Henry down to the ground while Gary Lineker held a gun to the Frenchman’s head and screamed “tell us England have a chance, tell us! Tell the good people at home England have a chance!” England would go on to lose 2-1, Thierry Henry is still missing.

Uruguay suffered a shock 3-1 loss to Costa Rica prompting literally thousands of football fans to take to Google and search ‘where is Costa Rica on the map’.

There were fears for safety of the players in the intense Manaus heat, but it was England Physio Gary Lewin who felt the strain. Driven to madness in the heat he attempted to gnaw off his own foot before being stretchered off by medical staff.

WWN cannot confirm Sepp Blatter held a secret meeting with FIFA’s executive committee in order to make a number of small rule changes which would see him only addressed as ‘Our Glorious Leader’.

FIFA officials are looking into claims that Andrea Pirlo was seen on the Manaus pitch yesterday evening drinking a fruity 1971 Sauvignon Blanc from his own vineyard. Its hints of almond and effervescent tones of pear perfectly compliment Pirlo’s playing style. FIFA changed their rules in 1998 relating to players drinking alcohol on the pitch during games.

Greece’s loss to Colombia was received received positively by a number of lifelong insomnia sufferers as the rudderless and benign Greek performance brought an end to their long search for sleep.

Rio Ferdinand has been praised for adjustments to his incisive punditry. In previous year’s Rio had only used 27% of his mouth with which to deliver his opinions but at this year’s World Cup he has shown versatility by upping his game to as much as 35% mouth-usage.

Ivory Coast and Japan played at 2am and no one stayed up to watch it.

Today sees World Cup organisers unleash Lionel Messi into his natural habitat and if France’s players can be retrieved from Brazil’s brothels in time they will line up against Honduras.

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