Culchies To Continue Pretending They Like the Smell Of Slurry


grand shmell

IN ongoing efforts to differentiate themselves from city dwellers and townsfolk, the Irish League of Culchies are going to continue pretending they love the smell of slurry.

The bi-annual spreading of hundreds of litres of liquidized animal excrement and its accompanying stench has long been a necessary evil of country life despised by everyone, but despite this Culchies across the land are being urged to act like it’s the best thing in the world while in the presence of someone from a city such as Dublin.

Speaking to Waterford Whispers News, ILC chief Seamie-Gerard “The Roost” McCobble explained why it’s so important to maintain this illusion.

“Make no mistake; country life is a pain in the hole” explained the 22 year old. “There’s no reprieve from the crushing boredom of living in the arsehole of nowhere, with dilapidated roads and cattle everywhere. That’s before we have to spread watery shite over every inch of land in the hottest weather of the year. But we can’t allow a visitor from the city to think we’re miserable and lord it up over us, so we must maintain that we love this life and the dreadful smells that go with it”.

A pamphlet is currently being distributed to rural households outlining the rules of speaking to a non-culchie about slurry. Points include;

Allow the Non-Culchie (NC) to point out the smell first. Wait for the pained look on their face before acting like you don’t know what they’re smelling, as if you haven’t yourself noticed it.

Openly mock the NC for disliking the smell. Take several deep breaths and say the following sentence; “AHHHHH! That’s the stuff!”.

Despite ongoing medical research into the possible health risks associated with slurry, assure the NC that the smell will do them good, and the lack of slurry in the city is perhaps the reason they have so many drug addicts.

When introducing NCs to a fellow culchie (FC), bring up the NCs negative reaction to the smell and mock them. Your FC should then join you in a conversation about how weak and feeble the NC is.

The new guidelines are part of an ongoing program designed to portray rural life as being great craic, which includes pretending it’s perfectly normal for everyone to own shotguns and that waiting for twenty minutes while cows walk up a road is great craic.