Network Noel Assaults Dublin Bus Passengers In Drunken Rage

Star of popular and bewildering Dublin Bus adverts had reportedly been drinking since the early hours of Sunday morning.

Network Noel had been winning over Dublin commuters with his breezy charm in recent weeks with some amusing adverts on television, but it seems that if reports are to be believed he has let the sudden fame go to his head.

WWN can confirm that early this morning on the 145 to Bray Network Noel (real name Noel Lyons) violently assaulted a number of Dublin Bus passengers.

We here at WWN pride ourselves on being a family-friendly publication and so will not go in detail about how Network Noel slapped an elderly pensioner on the arse until she fainted before urinating on an unconscious college student.

We also refuse to expand on the information that a passenger was found lying in the middle of the road by Gardaí repeating ‘Not the pole, Noel’ over and over and over again.

While other less responsible publications have published pictures of Noel lobbing his faeces at the 145’s bus driver, WWN will refrain from doing so.

“Despite the fact Noel is quite obviously a broom handle glued to a cheap football, he packs quite the punch,” shared a Garda spokesperson, “some accusations have been made about how he used his pole and that will be looked into but for the time being he is sobering up in the drunk tank.”

“While Noel is an affable approximation of the happy-go-lucky feel good Dub he is also a complete prick and quite vitriolic in his racism,” confessed a Dublin Bus spokesman.

“While we regret the injury sustained by the 47 passengers, we are not liable as Network Noel is not strictly an employee of Dublin Bus,” concluded the spokesman.

This is just the latest blow to the Network Noel campaign following last week’s revelations about Noel’s fractious relationship with model Georgia Salpa.

Dublin Bus have yet to decide if they will pull all advertising material related to Network Noel while Noel’s agent refutes allegations that his client threatened to ‘nut any fucker that thinks they can take me’.

More to follow as we get it…