Category: POLITICS

Harris ‘Sorry’ Everybody Getting Sick At The Same Time

THIS season’s Minister for Health, Simon Harris, has officially said sorry to patients for the fact they personally got sick at the same time, stating that he is committed to coasting through the situation as best he can. Speaking with his mouth earlier today, Mr. Harris said he would like to miraculously cure all the 592 people currently left waiting on… Read more »

Tories Defeat Themselves In Commons Brexit Vote

BRAVELY FENDING off their sworn enemies, the democracy hating Tories have vanquished their sternest foe, democracy hating Tories, by democratically voting to ensure the final Brexit deal between Britain and the EU must be voted on and approved by parliament. After emerging soberly yesterday morning from a night spent with unopened beer cans in a… Read more »

Worrying Number Of Homeless Surviving The Winter, Warns Government Think Tank

A GOVERNMENT think tank has found that a staggering number of homeless people are still surviving the cold winter weather, with the volume of people sleeping rough actually climbing, despite a record 8 reported deaths on Irish streets in the past two months. In a warning to Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, the think tank believed the previous approach to just doing nothing and letting… Read more »

“We’re Making A Right Fucking Balls Of This”

BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May has shocked her political peers in a rare outburst this morning, which forced the House of Commons speaker to suspend proceedings for the time being. Flanked by Brexit minister David Davis, Ms. May took to the podium before taking a deep breath and admitting things were not going the UK’s… Read more »

Ireland’s Final Dole Cheat To Be Publicly Executed Later Today

NOTORIOUS welfare swindler David Merris is to be put to death later today, marking an end of Ireland’s ruthlessly efficient and 100% successful 2017 campaign to eradicate dole fraud. Merris, 32, was scooped off the streets by a special dole-cheat tactical squad for claiming disability benefit for an additional three weeks after returning to work from a back… Read more »

“It Would Only Cost £3bn To Sink Northern Ireland Into The Sea” May Casually Tells Cabinet

THERESA May’s Brexit strategy is said to have taken a new course after being left in disarray yesterday following the dramatic accusation from Taoiseach Leo Varadkar that May reneged on an agreement that would have ended the deadlock in the talks. Under pressure to get an agreement from the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) on the… Read more »