Taoiseach’s Team Worried Statements On Maduro Kidnapping Not Spineless Enough

INDIVIDUALS involved in leaked correspondence between advisers cc’d on an email chain debating the tone and content of the Taoiseach’s public statements about the kidnapping of Venezuelan leader Nicholás Maduro raised fears it wasn’t suitably subservient, meek and disinterested in the rule of law.

“We could mention how he has a strangle hold on his country and has refused to give up power no matter how poorly he performed in the role,” one response read before the adviser in question was asked to ‘keep on topic’ and stop talking about Martin’s leadership of Fianna Fáil.

While some in the email chain pointed out that not issuing a statement would be a clever move in addition to the fact the opinion of Ireland’s leader on these matters is meaningless, it may prove more advantageous to ‘lick the hole off Trump’.

“We mention Venezuelan ‘people’, that could be viewed as a dramatic provocation by Trump, to say Ireland sees Venezuelans as humans? Incendiary even. Should we replace that with a compliment about Trump’s Debs ball tan and something about his diseased hands looking big?” cautioned one of 12 former journalists turned advisers.

“Lol, I know it doesn’t need saying but just on the off chance, make sure not to say ‘kidnap’, say something like ‘apprehension’ or ‘arrest’, you know to give the impression international order isn’t collapsing in front of our eyes and this is very normal,” added another.

Then speculating on a future invasion of Greenland, the advisors settled on posting a shrugging emoji if this was to ever occur.

Elsewhere, the Taoiseach has caused a minor international incident while on his trade mission to China after attempting to sneak a terracotta soldier from Emperor Qinshihuang’s Mausoleum into his carry on luggage home.

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