Internal Review Concludes Fianna Fáil As Good At Selecting Presidential Candidate As They Are At Solving Housing Issues

ASSESSING the calamitous selection process for a presidential candidate which resulted in Jim Gavin being picked, an internal review by Fianna Fáil concluded that ‘the party was last in the queue when God was handing out brains’, WWN can reveal.

“If you want a presidential candidate that can stand up to scrutiny or you need a single social housing unit built in timely fashion and at cost, don’t come to us,” confirmed the internal report.

“You’d swear this was an A&E department or a very achievable housing measure by how much we fucked this up,” another section of the report read.

Batting back claims that senior party officials heading up the selection process simply just accepted Gavin’s incorrect account of how he withheld money rightfully belonging to a former tenant for 14 years, Micheál Martin and Jack Chambers defended their record.

“He’s an army man, so we knew we’d have to grill him on it but he just wouldn’t break. We had him locked in a cage, his balls hooked up to a car battery, we were blasting Westlife, but no matter the torture we subjected him to as part of our recruitment process he insisted there was nothing in his background that would cause any problems. How anyone can find fault with our thorough processes which involved Micheál meeting Jim just once before selecting him is beyond me,” an inside source confirmed.

“Why waste all that time and money on an internal review when I could just tell you for free that you’re an incompetent shower,” offered a member of the public.

Meanwhile, Fianna Fáil confirmed there are no plans for an internal review into how Minister for Justice Jim O’Callaghan’s immigration policy pronouncements came to sound like they are being written by a racist online forum made up of Nigel Farage supporting Daily Mail readers who have suffered catastrophic brain injuries.

We’ve been hacked by North Korea, made it into Trump’s campaign emails, threatened with legal action by Ireland’s richest man, angered Scientology and received 6,000 complaints from the God squad after a sketch of ours aired on RTÉ. Help us to keep pissing off all the right people – buy some of our MERCH HERE to help us continue to taking the piss in these trying times.