“Bert’s A Twink But I’m More Of A Bear”

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SESAME STREET residents Bert and Ernie were outed days ago. Today they speak out for the very first time about their loving relationship.

“I’d never even heard of a gimp mask before I met Ernie,” Bert chimes in, nudging at his partner’s shoulder with his head in a playful way. It’s a frank discussion throughout as the couple set the record straight, if you’ll excuse the pun.

“Obviously our relationship, our personal life, our sexuality – it’s no big deal and entirely our own business but we’re speaking out now after some recent unfounded rumours circulating in the press that we were ‘best friends’,” Ernie explained, clearly offended by the ‘best friends’ label applied to gay couples in decades gone by.

“And it’s true, we are best friends but we are also in love,” Ernie added, prompting Bert to gush and let out a loud ‘aww’. Despite years together, it’s clear the romance seems to be well and truly alive. Being native New Yorkers, theirs is a typical New York story having met in Studio 54 one night.

“We danced all night, and since then I’ve always I’ve had this feeling – like a reassuring hand inserted in me, I can’t explain it,” Bert shared.

“Bert’s more a twink but I’m more a bear. Under this polo neck I’m a hairy fucker. And I like to dote over him,” Ernie added, while showing WWN to the couple’s secret sex dungeon which contained every conceivable implement and device of sexual pleasure that panicked homophobic people can dream up at short notice.

Bert states twinks are skinny, but Ernie reassures him, telling him he’s beautiful.

“That cabinet there is where we keep our poppers and that swing, well, we only use that on special occasions,” Ernie explained before Bert added “it’s my birthday next week” with a mischievous grin and wink.

The couple admitted their surprise at people’s shock, considering their relationship has been filmed for decades as part of the long standing documentary ‘Sesame Street’, chronicling the lives of residents, including a man who lives in a garbage can and another who has a debilitating eating disorder and who refers to himself as an addict and a ‘monster’.

“Well duh, dipshits,” they say in unison. It’s a wonderful afternoon spent as a fly on the wall, witnessing their bond until I bid them a goodbye with a simple ‘see you soon Bert and Ernie’.

“Why do people always say ‘Bert and Ernie’, not ‘Ernie and Bert’?” Ernie pondered with some frustration sparking an argument.

“Jesus, how many times. It’s alphabetical, but you’d only know that if you listened to me, like talking to a fucking brick wall,” Bert snapped back.

“I see you looking at other men, don’t think that I don’t. Where were last night?” Ernie sobs, reveling in the kind of bitter, destructive and contemptuous argument with Bert that only an old married couples can have. No more proof needed.

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