“Our Thatcher, who art in hea… am, wherever, hallowed be thy name. Thy United Kingdom come,” began a kneeling Theresa May as she gazed at her shrine to predecessor Margaret Thatcher in the hallway of Number 10 Downing Street this morning ahead of her first address to parliament since she outlined her plans for Brexit in Florence.
Flanked by genuflecting ministers, the British Prime Minister called for strength for her Conservative party, before then asking what to do “about Boris”.
“Bless me ma’am, for I know not what to do with the buffoon, the one called Boris,” she pleaded, now lighting a candle and burning a smiling picture of Johnson wearing a helmet while stuck on a zipwire, “he knows not what he does, but I fear his time is up as servant to you, oh Lord”.
In the final set of talks before EU leaders meet to decide if enough progress has been made to talk about post-Brexit relations with the UK, May will attempt to describe the government’s ambition for a “new, deep and special partnership between a sovereign United Kingdom and a strong and successful European Union”, between bouts of coughing and spluttering and general awkwardness.
“Please forgive them, ma’am, for mocking your servant here on earth, as they are weak of spirit and encouraged by Satan’s billboard – the internet,” she continued to pray, now clutching a set of anal beads once owned by former PM, Sir Edward Heath. “Give me the strength I need to continue your legacy and to bring about full control to the Conservative party. Amen”.