WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

You buy yourself one of those little tartan wheelie carts that old women have, and it revolutionises how you get cans to a party.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You enter an online conversation and wow everyone by just being a ‘take-no-shit’ badass.  

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You make up a story about how you went on the lash for Paddy’s Day, when you really went to see Beauty and the Beast, twice.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Leather bracelets, eh? That’s cool.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Sometimes you wish you’d just kept failing your Leaving cert, repeating it over and over again.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You go to Starbucks and blow the rent on a cup of coffee.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

People really give you a lot more room to walk now that you’ve started carrying around a huge broadsword with you.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Try not to embarrass yourself.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The cops storm your house and force you to shut down your shit YouTube channel.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re leaking.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someday you’ll sort your life out. Today is not that day.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

‘Tasty’ is your new thing. you start describing everything as ‘tasty’. It lasts a day before your friends tell you to knock it off.

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