Lickin’ Chicken; How This Raw Food Diet Can Help You Shed The LBs

10AM, and our dietary expert has us up earlier than we’ve been up in months. We’re about to partake in the Poultry0 Diet, a revolutionary new way of eating that experts claim will knock the weight off us faster than any fad diet in history. We’re still carrying a bit of the previous Xmas weight so we’re all on board this no-exercise, just-do-this-one-thing trick to guarantee weight loss. Enough chat; it’s time to lick some chicken.

11AM: One hour after our first lick ‘o the chick, and we’re feeling fine. Our dietary guy, who’s charging us 140 euro an hour by the way, tells us that there’s no wrong way to lick a piece of raw chicken… you can lick a breast. You can suck a leg. You can chew an entire uncooked chicken if you want to; the end result will be the same. Sweet sweet abs.

3PM: OK, starting to feel it now. Our hunger is gone (normally round about now, we’d be really hankering for some Haribo) and we don’t feel like snacking. Our stomach is getting ready for something big. Our diet guy says this is normal, and suggests we lick more chicken.

5PM: WOW. What a hell of a workout that was. Assuming the kneeling position, we performed 38 forward-crunches in less than a minute. Our diet guy says just to continue the movement until our head is fully in the toilet bowl, then return to the start position and go again. We’re losing serious weight by the second.

6PM: Can’t skip the lower body workout; our legs are killing us after an hour of toilet based squats. We must have lost at least half a stone already. We’d love to rest but, nope get out of the way, get out of the fucking way!

9PM: Just out for a run to A&E. We feel fine, we’re told. Our diet guy wouldn’t lie.

12 Midnight: Doctors say we’re lucky to have such a great diet teaching person with us all day. We’ve lost nearly 20lbs of fluids in one day. We’re getting those wee side-abs things at the bottom of our tummies like Usher has. We’re delirious with happiness and possibly delirium.