Inquiries Into Gardaí Now Outnumber Actual Guards

WITH the launch of yet another investigation, inquiry, commission of investigation, investigative commission of inquiry or the investigative commission into various actions of members of An Garda Síochána, WWN can confirm that inquiries into the gardaí now dwarf the number of guards on the streets.

The inquiry has been instigated by Minister for Defence Frances Fitzgerald and will seek to ascertain whether or not garda whistleblowers were subjected to unfair punishment and intimidation, bringing the number of external investigations into the gardaí to over 13,000, eclipsing the number of current gardaí which stands at 12,850.

“The cost isn’t important here, what is important is ensuring whistleblowers are heard and intimidation of them ceases,” a solicitor with responsibility for dragging out the length of the inquiry for as long as possible confirmed to WWN.

Commending herself for her decision, Minister Fitzgerald confirmed that “this government is committed to reacting to things after the horse has bolted, and paying through the nose for it and ultimately learning nothing as is a government’s duty”.

While many have welcomed the inquiry as it represents a very public backing of current and future whistleblowers in the force, others have praised it for its ability to earn them money.

“I’m charging by the hour here, this is going to be great. If we fuck it up and have to have an inquiry into the inquiry even better, but let’s not get ahead ourselves,” suggested one retired judge who is hoping to get the nod to head up the inquiry.

The government denied it had any more money for new gardaí, new training, new equipment or reopening of Garda stations, but admitted an unlimited cap on the cost of inquiries into why it had no money allotted to these things was in place.