“Where On Earth Will We Find €485m?” Ask Banks Fined For Rate Rigging

CREDIT Agricole, HSBC and JP Morgan bosses said they have ‘no idea’ where they’re going to find the money to pay a €485m fine, after the European Commission’s competition watchdog punished the banks for rigging the Euribor interest rate benchmark.

“Where on earth do they expect us to find that kind of money,” HSBC CEO Douglas Flint posed, before laughing uncontrollably with his banking peers, “They’ll have us broke if they keep this up,” he added, still laughing, “Four years ago, they fined us $2 billion for laundering Mexican drug cartel cash, then the families of the cartel victims tried to sue us for more money; the cheek of them! Where does it end?”

In a statement, the European Commission said all three banks had colluded on euro interest rate derivative pricing elements, and exchanged sensitive information, in breach of antitrust rules and regulations, much like a criminal would do, but instead of jailing the banking bosses, they fined JP Morgan €337.2m, HSBC €33.6m and Credit Agricole €114.7m.

“I think we’ll have to increase a few customer interest rates here and there to pay this,” explained JP Morgan chairman, also holding in the laughter while farting slightly with his anus, “We could also call in all our debt, create another crash. Sure, we’ll see what happens when we lay our financial blackmailing cards on the table”.

The ruling comes after a five-year cartel probe into the scandal that shook the financial world, which also found Deutsche Bank, Société Générale and Royal Bank of Scotland in violation of the same rigging, fining them nearly €1bn in 2013.

“Ah, those banks are amateurs,” insisted a Crédit Agricole bank spokesman, “We will appeal this latest attempt by the EU to discipline us. Like, who do they think they are trying to fine a bank money? It’s the equivalent of a child stealing a biscuit from their parents’ press”.