5 Things Britain Can Use To Replace Marmite

WELL, the Brexiters didn’t see this one coming. As a direct result of a weakened pound, Unilever has severed all ties with Tesco following the supermarket giant’s refusal to pay more for their goods to accommodate the fall of Sterling. Long story short; Tesco are running out of several brands. Some are replaceable with similar alternatives, but one has no equal…

Marmite.

If you’re a UK-based Marmite consumer, your options are now very limited. You could buy the yeast extract from a different shop, but how long before the tumbling UK currency nullifies that as an option? Your best bet is to find an alternative that has all the taste and appeal of Marmite, such as:

1) Keyboard residue

If you’re feeling a Marmite craving right now, and there’s none in the shops, AND you’re sitting in front of a computer, then a simple solution would be to pick up your keyboard, turn it upside down and tap the bottom a few times, then collect whatever falls onto your desk into a cup, add a bit of water and away you go! You can do this at work too, while you have a job. We’re not saying that your job is at risk, but, y’know… Brexit.

2) Boiled flags

Particularly flags that were hanging outside, that have soaked up loads of lovely traffic fumes and bird droppings, just to get that Marmite flavour right. Boil ’em up, reduce the mixture down to a thick paste, and there you go. Not only are you getting your recommended daily allowance of Marmite (or Marmite-substitute, in this case), but you’re also finding a use for your flag other than ‘a reason to throw our future down the toilet’.

3) Lung disease

D’you ever see those black lungs on cigarette packs? Gotta be something akin to Marmite in those. And Christ knows, you’ll have plenty of sick people to harvest it from, until the British government pay that £350million a week that was going to the EU directly into the NHS. They’re still doing that, right? That’s still happening, surely?

4) Foreigners

Look, you don’t like foreigners. That’s why you voted for Brexit; you were told that there’d be no more coming into the country. But what about the ones that are already there? You hate them, too. We’re seeing a ‘Soylent Green’ style solution here.

5) Melted pounds

If and when Marmite ever does make its way back to Britain, Sterling will be so fucked you won’t be able to afford it. So cut out the middle-man… melt down your coins, boil your notes, mix it all together, spread it on your toast and sit back while we all have a good laugh at you.