Candidates For Conservative Leader Already Trying To Out-Bastard Each Other

AFTER Boris Johnson sensationally took a dump on Britain last week and then shocked the nation by refusing to clean it up, a near endless number of candidates for the position of Conservative leader have emerged.

Not content with just throwing their hats in the ring, each and every candidate has been desperately trying to convince its membership that it can lead the party and the country by going to great lengths to out-bastard one another.

“As history has proven, you can’t be the leader of the Tories without being a slimy faced, reprehensible bastard of a person. It’s a unique quality Cameron had. Thatcher had it too, as did Iain Duncan Smith and John Major, each and every one of them, a world class bastard,” political expert Horace Cuffington explained to WWN.

Michael Gove and Teresa May, the early front runners in the contest have tried to appeal to their hardline right wing party members in an effort to secure the leadership, with both MPs carrying out impressive feats of bastardry.

“Gove really kicked off his campaign this morning by urinating on some poor people, setting fire to students and driving a bulldozer through an NHS hospital and a community centre,” Gove aide Dave Plonker shared with WWN.

Not to be outdone May spat on all ‘foreign looking folk’ that crossed her path in an effort to appeal to some of the more hardline members of her party, and then demanded security forces began monitoring the activities of Muslim children while they are still in the womb.

However, neither candidate managed to come up with any ideas on how to sort about this Brexit business, which is now being referred to as ‘The Great British Shitshow’.