WWN Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
Don’t turn your phone onto silent mode if you’re going to be away from your desk for a while. Your co-workers love being informed of every notification you get.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You have bottled up your problems, but not deep enough. Push them down, down with all the bad feelings and regrets! Way way down there!
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You keep using that cool phrase you heard in a movie as if it’s something you’ve made up yourself.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
CHUG, CHUG, CHUG! we’ll get through this job interview one way or another!
leo
July 23 – August 22
Remember to end all Facebook messenger conversations with the “thumbs up”, so that people know you’re done talking about this bullshit.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
This week is the week you’ve been waiting for all your life; you get called up to play bass for Aslan.
libra
September 23 – October 22
If it’s one thing that old man in Dunnes isn’t expecting, it’s a sliding tackle.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Ashton Kutcher appears out of nowhere! Your whole life has been one massive episode of Punk’d!
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Mmmmm. Lovely smell of slightly burnt toast coming from somewhere.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You remain convinced that Pixar stole your idea for Toy Story. You wrote that in 3rd class! Fuckers somehow got a hand on your copybook!
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You’ve got a little.. just right there… here, go like this… no, on the other side… yep. You got it.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
Trip to the GP, or just keep pounding solpadeine? You know the answer.