AS every discerning music fan’s worst nightmare has been confirmed in the media in the last 24 hours, WWN provides you, the reader, with the definitive guide on how to avoid U2 concerts.
To literally avoid a U2 concerts thankfully all you have to do is simply not attend one, but there are more pressing concerns for any anti-U2 fan; how does one avoid hearing about them in the first place?
Delete Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine, Bebo, iTunes, Myspace and the news itself from your phone and your life. Developing crippling memory loss is also recommended. Is it a drastic move? Yes. Will it work? Probably.
It is important to note that U2 have never ruled out hand delivering their next album to your house, and it is not beyond the realms of possibility that they would try to stage a concert in your house thanks to some Apple iTunes deal they’ve been keeping quiet.
Fortify your house, and set booby traps – in the event of any 2 mile long stage being erected in your driveway you’ll have the last laugh as the Dublin foursome will be horribly impaled on some implement of torture.
Another option is of course to move to Holland, you have next to no chance of ever running into U2 there, despite all of the financial, cultural and historical delights on offer.
Normally a last resort, but if you are a passionate anti-U2 fan who finds themselves spending an inordinate amount of time talking about your intense dislike for the band this will be a first resort: fill your ears with porridge.
Traditionally used as a hearty breakfast to kick-start the day, porridge’s thick yet runny texture will see your ears fill up in no time, making it virtually impossible to hear anything. The perfect solution to all your U2 concert problems, Bono himself could be singing in your face and you wouldn’t hear a thing. Do not consult your GP as he’s probably a U2 fan and will warn you off taking this step.