Lovin’ Waterford: 10 Sneaky Ways To Grab A Drink On Good Friday
WATERFORD Whispers News brings you the essential guide to avoiding that slow creeping feeling that you may be an alcoholic by laughing in the face of Ireland’s archaic Intoxicating Liquor Act. Forget to get some booze? Read on for our essential solutions:
1) Own a car? Well rev that bad boy up and aim it at the nearest off licence shutters, they look sturdier than they actually are. Once you’ve gained access to the premises it’s time to prove your friends wrong; you don’t have a drinking problem, you have a drinking solution. LOL!
2) No alcohol in the house? Well don’t sit there beating yourself up, instead visit your ailing grandmother or elderly aunt and while they talk shite about how they’re afraid of dying, raid their supply of gin which is usually plentiful enough to last well into 2044.
3) Go to mass! Traditionally the shitest wine in the history of mankind, it’s best to wait until it turns into the body of Christ, then after a quick sign of the cross grab the chalice and leg it. Down side to this one is that it’s only good a for a single glass.
4) We definitely put this next one into the ‘only if you’re desperate’ category. The homeless seem to have secret pockets where they keep endless supplies of alcohol. Befriend a homeless person or better yet wrestle whatever drink they have out of their hands, they don’t need it as much as you do. Plus that can really matches your trilby hat.
5) Not keen on trashing your car by driving into an off licence, you can always kidnap the proprietor’s family at knife point and demand he retrieves your special list of preferred beverages. This one is not for the faint hearted nor those who are afraid of spilling someone else’s blood to show you mean business.
6) This one is probably the most obvious one on the list but everyone knows a bored housewife who is in the throes of a cataclysmic slide into alcoholism and if you can bare to listen to inane chit chat then this might be the one for one. Just make sure you can stomach Lidl brand red wine!
7) If you’re a pro at this you’ll only be sobering up from last night’s escapades so panic has yet to set in. Head to your nearest Tesco and seduce the security guard with your animal magnetism. Once you have agreed to marry him and provide him with several heirs to this security guard empire, you’re just one nod and a wank away from securing that locked away booze.
8) Trains! What do you mean you didn’t know you were legally allowed purchase alcohol on trains if you dressed as a train? A demeaning yet necessary step towards that Good Friday booze session.
9) Got time on your heads? Why not break into your nearest pub and instead of stealing from them simply reset all their clocks so that you can prop up the bar and party like it’s midnight from about 7pm. Don’t break in any sooner or people might think you’re desperate.
10) Attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. The folks there are usually making the transition to the harmless stop gap that is alcohol and should have plenty on their person, ensuring you can really enjoy Good Friday without having it ruined by the inconvenience of sobriety.