Historic Nuclear Weapon Talks End With The US Agreeing To Keep All Their Ones



FOLLOWING eight days of tense negotiations in Switzerland, America has increased fears by confirming it will keep almost all of its reported 1900 deployed nuclear warheads along with its over 5000 additional unarmed nuclear warheads.

Conversely the news that Iran’s nuclear program would slow down significantly to the point where they will still have zero warheads was met with warm applause from citizens around the world.

Many citizens in the Middle East and its surrounding environs were pleased to hear that a country which regularly carries out questionable drone strikes in several sovereign nations has reaffirmed its commitment to owning nuclear weapons.

“I think if America was trying to be oppressive in any way they would hide their weapons away and out of sight,” explained Yemeni national Aaban Abad, “but instead they take them on world tours on big aircraft carriers, showing them off. I think it’s their way of saying ‘look, don’t listen to all that nonsense, here are our weapons you are free to have a look'”.

The negotiations which involved a number of nations, including Russia and France, marked out a framework which would see Iran curb its current nuclear program, meaning it will not pursue producing nuclear warheads for at least another decade.

While much of the plans laid out in the negotiations require further confirmation by a deadline of June 3oth of this year, a number of prominent leaders could not contain their satisfaction with the outcome.

“I just want to commend John Kerry for the great work he has done here,” American president Barack Obama said in a statement issued from Washington, “we laid out a conciliatory approach which asked Iran to not build a single nuclear warhead, and for every warhead they did not build we said we would keep our 1900 out there in the world”.

“It is, without doubt, of some great comfort to the many citizens in the Middle East, that the world’s largest army will maintain its commitment to owning a lot of nuclear warheads,” added Obama.

President Obama went on to affirm that there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for America or any of the other eight nuclear armed nations to use their weapons and that is why reaching a unilateral agreement to disarm all of them would ‘just be silly’.