The WWN Guide To Killing Your Wife And Doing Fuck All Jail Time
MARRIED? Looking for a way out? You could force yourself through the rigours of a lengthy separation/divorce procedure, or you could take matters into your own wee hands and just widow yourself.
But how do you go about offing your wife without running the risk of spending the rest of your life in jail? WWN are here to talk you through the procedure, ensuring that you de-spouse yourself and only miss 2 World Cups at the most!
1) Be rich
Although wealthy people aren’t immune to prosecution, they can use their position in the community to convince a judge that the murder they just committed was a once-off. With the acquisition of money being one of the driving factors in the majority of homicides, if you have money to begin with then it confuses the judicial system into giving you a lighter sentence. Bear in mind that this wealth must be acquired through years of hard work in a high profile job. You can’t just win 100 grand on the horses and then shoot your missus! Come on!
2) Don’t kill them on purpose
Manslaughter! Oh how a killer loves to hear this verdict. Being convicted of manslaughter can quarter the time you spend in the big house, so do your utmost to convince the jury that you only meant to really, really, really injure your wife, and the fact she died is more her fault than yours. Stupid fragile woman!
3) Do it at a time when prisons are full
Simple logistics here; they can’t keep you in jail if they don’t have the room! And when prisons reach full capacity, who are they going to let out? A real, genuine criminal, or a rich white member of upper society who’s only crime was killing his wife after she pissed him off one too many times? Lucky for you, Irish prisons are full all the time, so you can get away with pretty much anything. Rape, murder, white collar ‘crime’… just don’t get greedy! Pick one!
4) Make sure it’s your first crime
Judges will generally only hand out minimal sentences if they’re really sure you won’t do it again, so if you want to kill your wife then make sure you haven’t already been convicted of a prior murder! That would not help you make your case. A guy getting convicted for a second case of assault will get more jail time than you will for your first case of murder. Just don’t look like you’re going to make a habit of it!
5) Be rich
Did we mention it helps to be rich?