Sinn Féin Hiring Extra Staff To Keep Up With Gerry Adams Denials

SINN FÉIN have reportedly hired an additional 63 staff in recent weeks in an attempt to keep on top of all denials issued by its leader, Gerry Adams.

While the jobs are a welcome boost to the economy, they also represent the 123,456th reminder of Gerry Adams’ seemingly endless bad luck which has seen him wrongly mentioned in connection with incidents involving prominent republicans.

The airing of RTÉ documentary ‘Above The Law’ last night, which chronicled the punishment style attacks meted out by both republicans and unionists in Northern Ireland has sparked yet another headache for Adams’ busy constituency office in Louth which now has 4 floors of dedicated call centre workers whose sole task is to issue denials about any involvement Adams has had in anything.

The extension to the constituency is believed to have been paid for by American donors.

“We have our quiet days and our busy days,” explained one of the additional staff hired by Sinn Féin, “sometimes you slip up a bit, I had to tell an old lady to fuck off after she thanked Gerry for getting the road repaired out in her estate. You just get so used to aggressively denying the facilitating of rapist relocations and what have you, your default mode on the phone ends up being denial”.

“Then you have the media who call in about specific denials, which is tricky enough, but the software we have on the computers here make it easy for you to search up stuff and you’re able to deny a denial in no time,” added the call centre worker.

The sheer volume of denials has meant that in recent weeks Adams’ dedicated Twitter crisis team have had to focus on fulfilling denial requests as well. “Sadly, his rubber ducky tweets have reduced by 20% as a result,” admitted a Sinn Féin spokesman.

Sometimes the denial call centre also makes outbound calls to preemptively deny fresh accusations.

“Those are my favourite ones,” explained another call centre worker, “take that one from the other day you have a woman whose brother was killed by the IRA and was told by Gerry Adams a number of years ago that those responsible would not be reported to the police”.

“It’s a real result for us here in the call centre when you can issue a denial of that and still keep your conscience in tact,” concluded the employee.