Gerry Adams Wondering If Anyone Needs Fireworks While He’s Up The North

UNDER-fire Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams has opened Dáil proceedings this morning by advising members of all parties that he will be heading up North later this week, and to let him know if anyone wants fireworks brought back.

Adams had been expected to face a grilling over the ongoing and ever-escalating row concerning a cover-up of the sexual abuse of Maria Cahill, and further revelations of so-called “kangaroo courts” were IRA members accused of sexual crimes were in some cases re-located south of the border.

However, this morning Adams began the Dáil day by making an offer to TDs from all sides of the house to pool together for whatever fireworks they may need for Halloween on Friday.

Although initially taken aback by what he described as diversionary tactics, Fianna Fáil leader Michael Martin gladly accepted Adams’ offer, and gave him a list of rockets and bangers to take home.

“I’m having a bit of a party at the house on Friday night, and sure I haven’t as much as a Black Cat,” said Mr. Martin, who has been a vocal opponent to Adams over the past few weeks. “Gerry addressed the house this morning and told everyone that he was heading up to Sainsburys in Newry for a big shop on Wednesday morning, and asked if anyone wanted fireworks brought back”.

“I gave him a hundred Euro and just told him to get me a mix of stuff, squealers and repeaters and things like that. Sure, it’ll save me the journey up and I hate going across the border anyway. The lads up there see the southern reg car coming, and they give you nothing for your Euro at all”.

Following this gesture of goodwill, any further questioning of Mr. Adams about the Cahill case are likely to be shelved until the New Year, where they will be added to whatever scandal Sinn Féin is embroiled in at that time.