Welcome to WWN’s weekly look at what the planets have in store for you. Keep up to date with all your astronomy needs every Monday. For previous entries see waterfordwhispersnews.com/category/horoscopes/
Aries March 21 – April 19
Uranus is in Jupiter’s love zone… wait, hang on. I just want some credit for doing this gig for 20 years and never once making a Uranus innuendo. I deserve a medal!
Taurus April 20 – May 20
This week you’ll find the man of your dreams. You’ve always wanted the strong, silent type, but unfortunately for you he is far too strong. He throws you into his boot in seconds flat. Oh, and although you always insisted on having a religion-free funeral your Mother ignores the living daylights out of that request.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Later this month you will realise you spend too much time devoted to reading about celebrities. You won’t change your behaviour or anything but, at least you arrived at this realisation.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
I know, I know, but I guess the world just isn’t ready for a Brussel sprouts flavoured energy drink.
Leo July 23 – August 22
The stars have plans for you this week. Some really quite horrible plans.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This week you’ll look into your family tree and wish you hadn’t. You’ll barely be able to look Mother-Auntie Joan in the eye.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Money. Happiness. Success. All of the things you’ll never have.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Your mother is desperate for you to be happy. Your father is desperate for you to be happy. Your friends are desperate for you to be happy. You’re just desperate, which explains why you’re in a relationship with John.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you’re going to spend hours trying to get into Jazz… It won’t work. It’s basically a cat having an epileptic fit on a some piano keys, isn’t it?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Why is it you come round here when you’re looking for something. I don’t remember seeing you here when everything was going great. One dead husband later and you come crawling back!
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
This week your overwhelming urge to do untold harm to your dodgy toaster will finally be acted upon.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
234. That’s how many days you have left before the alien invasion. Get ready. Be prepared