‘Tourist Armour’: Dublin Taskforce Reveal Ideas For Improving Dublin City

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AFTER A BRIEF delay due to the only copy of the report being stolen as the Dublin City taskforce walked through town, the group have shared their recommendations for improving the capital.

Here what’s they presented:

1,000 more guards in Dublin City, but knowing that the police force can’t keep their current guards due to poor pay, poor working conditions, being undermined and lacking in support, the taskforce recommends giving tourists free chain mail armour upon entering the city.

Attach a brush to every resident, this way they can drag one behind them as they walk and help keep the city clean.

The group admitted that while ‘Dublin Taskforce’ sounds cool, they were disappointed they were not given Marvel style superhero uniforms. ‘This needs to change’ said one learning from the report.

Melt down the spire and mold its remains into metal sticks which residents can use to fend off feral youths.

Encourage the return of people living in above-street-level floors of O’Connell St buildings by giving them free rent for life, and 24 hour armed protection.

The report got incredibly technical at times, using insider terms that were impenetrable with one passage saying ‘build housing and reduce rent costs’.

In a bid to reduce open drug use, it was suggested just abandoning the city altogether and razing it to the ground.

Do the exact opposite of the whatever listeners texting into Newstalk are suggesting.

They also recommended everything that’s already been said over and over before but was never acted on or resourced in any meaningful way.

After embracing the reports findings Taoiseach Simon Harris indicated he could approve 60 more taskforce reports since they provide such great photo opportunities for him and his government colleagues.

Outcome: the government has inexplicably handed a private accommodation provider a lucrative contract due to muscle memory.

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