€20mn Restoration Of Cross-Border Canal Marred By Sectarian Clashes Between Fish


WHAT SHOULD have been joyous scenes and a sign of a possible unification to come at the opening of a cross-border canal restoration project descended into a cacophony of gill-bearing vertebrate animal based violence, WWN can report.

Taoiseach Simon Harris had been on hand in Monaghan to officially open the latest phase of restoration work on the Ulster Canal waterway which also flows through Fermanagh, Cavan, Tyrone, and Armagh, but the unveiling of the €20mn project took a nasty turn as sectarian-minded pike fish from both sides of the divide clashed.

“There was this almighty thrashing hai, and I says mother-of-God a wean is after falling off his paddle board, if we humans have moved well beyond this sort of craic, I don’t see why the bastarding fish can’t do the same,” said one eye-witness.

What was first mistakenly identified as the activity of some leaping salmon, was soon evidenced to be something far more sinister.

“I’ve never seen a look like that in a pike’s eye before, as if he was saying to them lot ‘see you, you wee Fenian fish bastard, this is my canal and if you so much as put a gill on my patch I’ll fuck you up on the bank there to drown on some air’,” said a shaken local angler.

UPDATE: Several gardaí, armed with fishing nets to calm the disturbances, were injured after a young pike threw a petrol bomb at a squad car.