A Parent’s Worst Nightmare: The Culchie Boyfriend

YOU CAN work hard at raising your children right, but for city dwellers and townies everywhere there is a scenario they fear more than anything when it comes to their kids; the day they bring a culchie home.

Such a nightmare scenario has engulfed one suburban home in a leafy Dublin area as parent’s John and Fiona McAniff have been informed by their youngest Ciara that she has taken up with a young man from a rural backwater.

“The language will be a big adjustment for him, have you considered that Ciara?” bleated Fiona, already catastrophising.

Ciara reminded her parents that her Longford hailing boyfriend Martin McCreedy does in fact speak English, and that stereotypes can be both hurtful and unhelpful.

“Have you thought this through, Ciara, have you taught him how to use the Luas? You know I heard of a culchie who fell down the gap between a Dart and the platform and that was the end of him. You’ll be like a fulltime culchie carer,” continued Fiona, failing to hear Ciara inform her that Martin has lived in Dublin for 8 years.

Finding no delicate way to phrase it, Ciara’s parents explicitly stated that McCreedy’s family had a completely different culture and value set and weren’t necessarily compatible with civil city life.

“We’ve never been a coleslaw household as you know well, so if he’s expecting bacon and cabbage too every time he’s over. We only get the Sunday Times of a weekend, I don’t think we get the Farmers Journal in Dublin Ciara. Ciara!” Fiona added, while John wisely stayed out of the line of fire.

“What’s your poor Dad going to talk to him about? He knows f-all about fertilizer and slurry. He’s never watched the Late Late country special either! Honestly, Ciara, would you get back with Jamie?” Fiona said of Ciara’s last boyfriend who dumped her after turning cheating into an Olympic sport.