Caught Short With A Turtle Head? Here Are Your Best Options


THAT old familiar cramp below the naval, the shuddering of your lower extremities and that underlying dread that you are about to soil yourself like a helpless newborn baby; we’ve all been there, but just what are your options if you’re caught short with a huge turtle head of a turd protruding from your anus?

Pushing It Back In

The second your internal meltdown sirens begin blaring it is essential to first source some kind of implement to plug your exit hole. Everyday objects like old batteries, golf balls or even a Pringles tube can be your friend here, depending on your girth and of course arse contractions. Gently insert said object and casually make your way to your nearest toilet bowl/ditch to unplug.

Quick Squat & Run

Chancing the old squat and run routine can be a tricky one to get away with, especially if caught short in a working scenario like a building site or warehouse where toilets are few and far between. Timing is everything and making sure you practice the jocks pull down and pull up is key to getting away with this.

Find a nice quiet spot like the back of a truck or crate of bananas and pull down, squat, release, pull up and go as quickly as possible to the nearest WC to remove the evidence. Yes, you will have swamp arse for a minute or two, but it beats your last and final resort…

Just Shitting Yourself

Sometimes you’ve just got to let nature take its course. Young children do this all the time. Elderly people too. You’re allowed to do this at least once in your mid-adult life so don’t be ashamed of it. Proudly just let it swarm your pants. Putting your hands in your pockets and pulling them tight so it doesn’t all flow down your legs and onto the floor may get you most of your way to the nearest toilet, but there will be a stage when everyone in the vicinity starts to see the tell-tale markings and get a waft of the putrid odour. The main thing here is to reassure yourself this is fine, there are plenty of other countries in the world you can relocate to.