Calls For ‘Hoof It Up To The Big Man’ To Be Enshrined In Irish Constitution


AFTER THE Irish football team’s recent failures to beat minnows France and Netherlands in Euro 2024 qualifiers many supporters have called on the Minister for Sport to hold a referendum on Ireland’s footballing identity.

“It’s not right, we’d be winning 6-0 if we placed Shane Duffy’s legs in cement casts in the opposition box and hoofed the ball directly onto his Cliffs of Moher noggin. Hoof it to the big man is in our DNA ever since Jack Charlton invented Irish soccer in 1988,” confirmed the IWBIMDSG (It Was Better In My Day Supporters Group).

Minister for Sport Catherine Martin said she would be open to such a referendum if the FAI agreed to it but some supporters remained unhappy due to the fact Ireland’s last big win came when the nation was still part of the prehistoric landmass known as Pangea.

“We had to five golden opportunities to score more goals in the Dutch game which leads to the obvious conclusion that we need to change the style of play to one that best suits Niall Quinn,” shared a fan, who also requested the FAI get in Jose Mourinho or other high profile managers who would ‘100% be honoured to get the job’.

Facing increasing pressure and the likelihood of his contract not being renewed Stephen Kenny’s post-match interview was more painful than having your teeth pulled by pliers operated by a monkey as he failed to justify why a starting line up comprised of players from Luton, Wrexham and Preston failed to beat Netherlands.

“Sure look at the rugby lads they’re flying it, and don’t they get the ball and give it a big kick up the field too?” confirmed another fan.

Further demands include ‘make it Italia 90 every day’, ‘change the national anthem to Put ‘Em Under Pressure’, ‘bring back Opel as a jersey sponsor’ and ‘judging every next bad result as the greatest tragedy to have ever faced humanity’.