World Ticket Selling Monopoly Promises To Crack How To Sell Tickets Eventually


FOLLOWING a number of issues with the sale of Coldplay concert tickets Ticketmaster, the monopoly in charge of 99.9% of ticket sales for all concerts and events, have promised to look into cracking how to set up a functional ticket selling website at some point this century.

“Oops right okay, that’s not good, is it?” confirmed Tony Pulter, head of website crashing at Ticketmaster as the website crashed because people were trying to use it for its intended purpose.

“Maybe it’s time we updated the servers,” pondered Pulter as he eyed up his employer’s only server which dated from the Norman invasion of England and was held together by twine, Blu Tack and crossed fingers.

With their website formally recognised as a form of torture by the UN and contravening the Geneva Convention, Ticketmaster’s customer service reputation has been so badly damaged they rank somewhere between Oceangate submarines and Fire Festival as worst service providers.

“It’s bad enough to be pushing Coldplay on us in the first place but Ticketmaster not figuring out how to sell tickets would be like if Ryanair started saying they fly to a major city but threw you out on the tarmac of a regional airport miles from said city, madness,” shared one customer who would sell his family for a rival ticketing service.

As part of ‘reparations’ to affected customers, Ticketmaster has pledged to cover all therapy sessions needed arising from having to try and book a ticket to see your favourite artist live in concert. The bill is expected to run into the billions however, Ticketmaster has admitted to struggling with booking therapists via an online booking portal.

“I think I’ve gone insane, what the fuck is going on,” said one man still stuck in a Ticketmaster queue for tickets to Red Hot Chili Peppers 2003 Slane gig.