‘May Make People Look More Attractive Than They Actually Are’: New Alcohol Warnings Revealed

NEW regulations that will require all alcohol to carry warning labels have been signed into law by Minister for Health Stephen Donnelly today and will see the following health warnings attached to all alcohol products going forward:

‘Any more than two beers can render people over thirty hungover for an entire week’

‘May make people look more attractive than they actually are’

‘Will give terrible singers the false impression they can sing’

‘Known to increase cases of ‘what the fuck are you lookin at y’cunt”

‘Buckfast makes you fuck fast’

‘Will break the seal after three drinks and leave you pissing for the night’

‘Nothing added but time… in prison’

‘May encourage dancing to Rock The Boat at weddings’

‘Promotes memory loss of embarrassing moments, including hit and runs, assaults’

‘Will make you promise to meet people the next day when you least want to meet people’

‘Grand with anti-biotics’

‘This wine is not to be drank like beer, you absolute fucking savage’

‘May make men look pregnant’

‘Just because Jesus drank it, doesn’t mean you can pour wine on your cereal every morning, Tina!’

‘High risk of pissing in wardrobe’

‘There’s easier and cheaper ways to alienate yourself from family and friends’

‘Carries increased risk of being star of tomorrow’s viral video entitled ‘crazy racist goes on rant at take away staff’

‘Worked wonders for George Best’

‘First sip may encourage phone calls to local coke dealers’