Democracy Fine As Long As Sinn Féin Not Winning, Confirm Unionists

UNIONIST politicians and those voting for them have confirmed that democracy has its limits and should be reconsidered after Sinn Féin saw its vote increase during local elections.

“A majority in Northern Ireland, from one particular community, enjoying the majority of the vote? You might as well be talking about the heyday of Mao Tse Tung!” said one UUP politician who had no problem with decades of conspiring to use politics in Northern Ireland to oppress one community.

“Is this even legal?” asked one Unionist voter after Sinn Féin picked up seats in Unionist strongholds of Ballymena and Coleraine for the very first time.

Reacting to the news that Sinn Féin is the biggest party at council level as well as in Stormont, the DUP has suggested that if Nationalists continue to multiply, a weighted voting system should be introduced.

“We love democracy, sure it’s in our party name. Democracy works best when it involves us refusing to return to Stormont to do our jobs. Having said that, for democracy to be fair it must never result in the scenario where Unionists are in the minority therefore, we’re proposing one Unionist vote now counts as ten votes,” said a DUP no-person.

Elsewhere, Nationalists have reported that the 24 hours they’ve spent watching Arlene Foster shitting a brick on GB News surpasses the comedic genius of Derry Girls.