Progress As Only Two Newsworthy Mass-Murders In America Over Weekend


A GUNMAN shot and killed 8 people in Dallas on Saturday and an SUV driver deliberately killed a further 8 in a separate incident in south Texas in what has been described as a ‘quiet enough weekend’ in America.

“I’ve seen worse,” said one local law enforcement officer we spoke to, while overseeing a scene of carnage that would have provoked a national week of mourning in most other countries.

“We thought this shooting might have been the work of a white supremacist, but the only evidence of that is the killer’s long history of posting Nazi hate speech online, as well as the fact that he’s wearing a badge that says ‘right-wing death squad’. But on close inspection, we think it’s best to just label this as one lone nutjob, probably played too many violent videogames or listened to too much death metal music. Basically, it’s out of anyone’s hands”.

While the incidents failed to make many headlines they were reported on local news, although murders like this are now kept for the closing ‘and finally…’ section, which at one time was used solely for light-hearted fluff pieces, such as an old woman running a marathon or a squirrel stealing an apple pie.

Meanwhile gun fans are pointing at the border massacre as proof that guns aren’t an issue in America, as the killer in that instance used his car as a weapon, sparking suggestions from Republicans that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with an SUV is a good guy with an SUV.