Plant Your Eggs Early For A Good Chicken Harvest: A Gen Z’s Guide To Agriculture
What’s up guys! I’m writing an old-school ‘listicle’ (like TikTok with words) to explain how our food ends up in a Deliveroo driver’s backpack, writes 19-year-old Sorcha Mullins.
Plant your eggs
With the weather heating up, now is the perfect time for you to sow your eggs to get a good, strong chicken harvest in for early summer. Bury each egg in a couple of inches of soil, and leave them to germinate. If you notice too many eggs breaking during planting, simply use hard-boiled ones instead!
Please ensure to regularly water your planted eggs. If you don’t, the chickens that emerge from the soil may be dry and stunted. However, these can still be sold for use in many of Supermacs products.
Mind your cows’ diet
Ireland is renowned for its dairy produce – Kerry Gold, Hazelbrook Farm, and Mooju chocolate milk. So, if you want your cows to produce smooth, rich, creamy, chocolate milk, you should be feeding each of your them between 30-40 Curly Wurlies a day.
However, if you overfeed them it can curdle in the udder – and the last thing you want is chocolate cheese.
Avoid crisp blight
During the great crisp famine, when the Tayto harvest for several years was destroyed by Queen Elizabeth, literally hundreds of Irish people were forced to flee to America, where they had to call them ‘chips’. Those that remained struggled to survive on woefully inferior corn-based products, like Wheelies, Banshee Bones and Chickatees. Tragic.
It’s every Gen Z farmer’s duty to ensure that this never happens again. So please, if you see blight in any packet of crisps, don’t harvest any more family-packs from the soil.
Remember: happy bees make happy jam
Bees are responsible for some of our favourite sugary condiments, like: honey; that posh organic honey that costs a tenner in Dunnes, and jam. To make the best jam, a bee hive needs to work in harmony. Like us, they all love Queen B – so, give them what they want and play plenty of Beyoncé to them while they work.
Milk those nuts
Vegans and vegan products are all the rage. For anyone looking to turn their back on dairy milk, they’ve no doubt sampled other milks such as almond or hazelnut. However, as with dairy cows, nuts need to be looked after – particularly as their udders are so much smaller than heifers’, and it can be a nightmare fitting their tiny teats into the milking apparatus.
So, please ensure to regularly clean your equipment, and avoid prolonged gaps between milking to prevent any of your nuts from developing mastitis.
Give your salmon plenty of fags
While cigarettes might be bad for humans, smoking does nothing but wonders for fish – particularly salmon and trout. To achieve that perfectly smokey flavour in your product, each fish needs to smoke about 10 Marlboro Lights a day. Or if you want a smokier finish, give them something heavier and up their daily quota to 15 John Player Blues.
However, remember that some fish, such as mackerel, insist on only vaping now.