Vinyl Records Sound Like Shit, Finds Study

A NEW study held among people with ears has found that anyone making the claim that vinyl records sound better than listening to stuff on a streaming platform is nonsense, and anyone doing so probably just thinks they’re better than you.

“There’s a weird hiss to almost everything and you can’t carry a record player with you on the bus to play tunes out loud on a Bluetooth speaker, so I’m not really seeing the point in any of this?” stated one younger person interviewed, who seemed personally offended at the notion that something in use before their birth was considered better in any way to something that came after.

Many polled were also shocked to learn that some people actually buy albums on vinyl one at a time, as opposed to paying a monthly fee for access to the entire library of everything ever recorded in the history of music.

“Posers, if you ask me. Plus if you scratch a record it’s fucked? Try scratching a Spotify stream, go on, try. What would you even scratch, the air?” laughed another vinylphobe.

Although many still stand firm on the belief that analogue recording on vinyl carries a texture and warmth that cannot be recreated digitally, everyone we spoke to agreed that claims that cassette tapes were ‘the peak of the medium’ are a bunch of hipster nonsense.