Premier League Announce Cut To 10% Of Workforce


IN A FRESH jobs blow in the UK economy, the Premier League has had to cut 10% of its management team. The firings drew criticism for their public nature and the fact they were delivered on a Sunday, traditionally a non-working day.

A staggering 79% of total job losses in the past year in the UK have come from managerial firings in the Premier League, a volatile and unstable industry.

In line with job cuts announced by large multi-national tech companies in recent months, the slimming down of the workforce comes after a period of quick expansion post-Covid.

“After spending €600mn and adding 84 new players, we needed to make cuts somewhere. Graham did his bit by trying to trigger goal bonuses by staying clear of the opposition penalty box but now we need a fresh approach,” pondered Chelsea co-owner Todd Boehly, who the club’s fans genuinely fear will try to hire Ted Lasso next.

“We would like to place on record our thanks to Graham for all he did during his time at the club including but not limited to his tireless work getting Hoola Hoops back into the vending machines,” added an emotional Boehly, flushing money down the toilet out of habit.

With a total of 12 managerial redundancies announced this season, supporters have asked for a greater understanding of the plight club owners subject them too.

“We’d only just worked out our Potter chants, and now we’ll have to start from scratch. Biting yet harmless chants don’t write themselves you know,” bemoaned fans, who could find some solace in the fact that they can recycle their Brendan Rodgers chants when Spurs fans self-immolate at the news of his hiring.